Lately, or may be in the last few years I have found myself to be changing.. the change has been on multiple levels and I am not sure if it can be attributed to middle age or just plain getting old or older.  I am finding that I am yearning for simplicity in my life, in my actions, in my relationships, in my interactions and in my associations towards others and also my environment. For some reason my quest for simplicity sounds highly complicated, and may be it is. Trying to un-complicate my life is not that easy but I am trying my best.

I have always been a homebody, happy to take a book, my cup of chai and curl your toes on the sofa kinda girl especially as the evening sets in. I have never been much about dinners out with girlfriends or movies or girl’s night out etc. It has labeled me as “boring” by many and I know I am and own it wholeheartedly.  May be that makes me different from the norm but that is how I have always been. If I am not home, then I would rather be on a hike somewhere in the mountains, or running or biking. Growing up I had seen the constant struggle my mother used to go through with my father avoiding social gatherings regularly. As a child I thought it was funny that my father who was very friendly and well-liked by all and someone who had lots of friends, shied away from social gatherings if he could help it and always wanted to be home. My mother’s struggle came from being caught between her husband’s idiosyncrasies and her need to socialize and maintain relationships. Well, four decades later I think I have become my father..after all the apple doesn’t fall too far away from the tree. My father would whisper to my mother in her ear to leave the party early, and I just text my husband away asking to leave.  Looks like I just gave my secret away!

I firmly believe that change is the only constant and my transformation is part of this process.  The physical changes in my body have been brutal..the added inches to waistline, the love handles, the tires all around, the sagging body parts better off unmentioned, and the struggle to remain fit is ever present.  The beginning of wrinkles and crow’s feet when I smile are a proof of every experience my heart and soul have been through…each up and each down hides in that crease that runs across my forehead and sometimes the down became such a familiar space that I felt like I lived there.  And let’s not go to the hair where the greys outnumber the black now and the money invested in those boxes of Clairol’s magic potion to hide the greys is outrageous.  But, I am thankful for the head full of hair when there could be none and the greys bear witness to every struggle I have been through.

Where the physical changes seem to be out of my control, it is the non-physical changes that mystify me though.  I have become more reclusive and spending time alone..more so I love being alone.  I enjoy my own company and nothing appeals more to me than an evening spent in cooking and spending time with family.  Sometimes, I find myself refusing invitations to social gatherings even though I know I will be among friends and if I am out with friends, I can’t wait to get home.

I am unable to fathom why this change has happened, but the shift to solitude has been my decision. My sense of socialization has shifted to going on hikes with my friends rather than a dinner somewhere.  I look forward to my time outdoors every weekend and nothing rejuvenates me more than being amidst nature..just me and my dog.

The power of nature is the most profound..and I have begun to find myself and my place and purpose on this earth.  With that sense of realization..it is hard to let go and find something else to do.  I am embracing the change which reminds me to put my soul first and take care of it.  This change reminds me of hot summer winds and warmth on the cheeks sipping lemonade on my deck, and it reminds me of winters with cold tile floors shivering in front of the fireplace.  Whether you call it solitude or loneliness, I cherish my loneliness and protect it obsessively..