So I am bringing my blog out of hibernation. It’s been four months since my last post and there are no excuses of course. I love to write so there shouldn’t be an excuse but life happens and sometimes things just get in the way. The topic I decided to write in this post was suggested by a dear friend. It’s a hard topic and tough and as brutal as it gets. It’s about dementia. Dementia is not unknown to me as I have worked in skilled nursing facilities for over a decade. Most of my elderly patients suffered from dementia due to Alzheimer’s or other conditions. Repeating answers and responding to the same questions over and over again became second nature. Patience took on a new definition and one had to develop truckloads of it. However, when I was working in skilled nursing facilities, I never once imagined that I would be caring for a loved one in the same situation one day.

In the past two years, we have been caring for my 83 year old mother in-law who is showing signs of dementia. At first, the signs were subtle and fuzzy and we weren’t sure but soon things started spiraling down. It has been tough to cope with the situation especially knowing the person who is affected with it. My mother in-law is a feisty woman and has always been. The only word that comes to mind is a firecracker. She is a singer cum lawyer cum social activist cum author. She was a singer and would have loved to make a career out of it but her family’s financial circumstances led her to take on a job. She completed high school, her bachelor’s degree and her law degree after she got married as she balanced her family life with kids, work and other commitments.

After taking an early retirement from her job, she founded an organization for women 35 years ago and has been instrumental in providing education, legal aid, shelter and vocational training to women and the girl child. I have never known anyone who would travel hundreds of miles to barge into a stranger’s home and rescue a woman out. It takes immense amount of guts to stand up to abusive men in a patriarchal society and she just does it.  When most people would run the other way saying “it is none of our business”, my mother in-law would make it hers. She has not earned a single dime for all her efforts and in fact has put all her retirement money into this cause.

So when the first signs of dementia started cropping up, we were in denial and started sweeping it under the rug but very soon that wasn’t possible. Today we find ourselves repeating and answering the same questions again and again and if that is all we do, we call it a “normal” day.  Now don’t get me wrong or get the idea that this post is going to be a narration of a dismal state.  In fact quite the contrary, as we have found humor in situations where there was none and have found ourselves laughing more than ever.

The dementia has led to some interesting episodes and even my mother in-law has had a good laugh about some of them.  She is now fixated with everything in the kitchen from cooking to dish washing and wants to feed everyone.  For instance one evening after I had finished cooking dinner, she chopped up 6 onions for no apparent reason and we had to make sure we cooked foods accordingly for the next few days to use up the ton of chopped onions.  The urge to chop onions didn’t end there as we found her with more onions ready to be chopped the next day morning before the morning tea was even brewed.  My husband made a mad scramble to save the onions from sure death but those poor onions were doomed as they got chopped while he was in the shower. Chopped onions were followed by dough being kneaded in a sudden need to make a lot of bread and I think by the time the obsession ended we had enough chopped onions and had made dough to feed the entire neighborhood.

Then there was a time when she insisted on cooking my husband’s favorite foods only to find that she had completely forgotten her own plan and ended up repeating the previous day’s menu.  She still had the smarts to slyly state that she wanted to compare her cooking to mine and see which one was better. Or when she asked me to eat dinner and I reminded her I don’t eat dinner and she came back with a retort saying “I know you don’t and there is none left for you as I finished it all”.

December started with a period of two weeks when she thought it was my birthday every day.  My birthday went by in October, so the first couple days we corrected her but it didn’t faze her.  She was intent on celebrating it and so we decided to celebrate.  Why would I fight a celebration and disappoint her and so we did again and again for exactly 12 days before she moved on to other things.  I think I am done celebrating my birthdays until I am 60 years old! Just pretending it was my birthday everyday was fun and I am overwhelmed that she cared enough for me as her daughter in-law to have wanted to celebrate.  The happiness she felt was contagious enough for me to feel special.

She has also become the plate police in the house as no orphan plate, bowl or glass can be left as is. It will find its place in the dishwasher right away regardless whether it is clean or not. This fixation has led to the dishwasher being opened while it was still running to it being unloaded while still dirty.  The household has now been gifted with this priceless sign for everyone to read and even the teenagers don’t need extra cues to clean up!

Dealing with dementia has been a learning experience for me for sure. For starters I have finally learned to use the remotes to operate the television.  My mother in-law spends her days watching the TV shows and invariably presses the random buttons and shuts off the TV, sometimes as many as five times in a half-hour episode.  So now I am running up the flight of stairs to her bedroom as soon as she calls and getting my steps in so that I can get it started lest she miss the climax in her show.  For a person who doesn’t watch TV, I had never bothered to learn how to turn it on and trying to get her serial back on while she was missing her favorite episode was stressful. It was like a blind leading a blind so finally I had to educate myself in the art of turning the TV on.  Those who know me well know that it is a very big accomplishment for me.

There are several roller coaster moments throughout the day and even though we have the scary moments that shake us, we have found that humor has made it easier to handle. Sometimes she worries us by not eating and then some days she can enjoy two dinners followed by dessert each time. Who else can belt out a song in the middle of a party and not even feel an ounce of inhibition and how can one not enjoy the moment? Or how can I not enjoy the moment when she sings just for me while I work or join her in singing some of my favorite melodies and who else would give a bathroom singer like me the applause I get? So for now we are making the best of the moments and making memories and not worrying too much for what the future holds..